wakey wakey hands off snakey
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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