my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
