try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
