Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize