My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Text me some of your sweat
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