Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
