I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
