I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf