I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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