Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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