she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
