I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
