I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
