so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
