you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
