you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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