dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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