i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
