Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
