paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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