Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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