forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
