my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
