my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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