Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
