Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
