My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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