I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
