I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
