That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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