so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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