weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
