I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She bit a glass in half.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
