...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
