she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
