the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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