she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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