I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
