i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
