before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
