I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
