Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
