Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
