So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
