One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
