I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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