I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
