I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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