so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
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so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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