textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
