This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
