I met the friendliest cop last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
