Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
