why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
