I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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