well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
