Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
