broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
