On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
