so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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