Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
