I will die if light touches me.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
