my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
